She’s All Over The Place

True story, but who’d believe it?

 

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As Inspector at Scotland Yard, I saw lots of strange and bizarre things.  For example, we had a case of where a man killed his wife, cut her up and threw parts of her off the train.  He kept the head, burned it in his fireplace —- when suddenly, due to the heat —- the eyes began to open.  

He ran out of his bungalow screaming.  He later confessed to the whole lot and was convicted and hanged for it.

I had a conversation about this with a one Mr. Hitchcock who got inspired to make a movie on it —- Rear Window.

 

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The Ride Of A Lifetime

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Willie saw the impressive turnout for the memorial service.

An older gentleman turned to him and asked, “You had family on the train?”

“Yes, my grandfather.  You?”

“Yes, I actually was on the train.  Lived here in London since.”  He glanced through his program.  “I was all of seven when I met Nicky.  It feels quite odd to call him Sir Nicholas.”  He paused, then laughed.  “Can you imagine?  A man goes on two-week holiday and ends up years later with hundreds of children?”

A woman approached the dais.  “I’m Barbara Winton, and on behalf of the Winton family …”

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Sir Nicholas Winton and the Kinder Transport.

Personals

Ah!  The Queen’s palette.  Thought I recognized it.  😉

So, how do we paint a word picture?  A lot of people have been doing it this way and this is only one guy out of millions over the years.

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1980

Male, 22, just graduated college.  No job yet, but looking. Promising career in engineering.  Wishes to meet girl same age. 

1990

Male, 32.  Going into the army for short-term.  Wants girl slightly younger and not interested in man making $50,000 or more.  Wants sincerity.

2000

Male, 42, veteran, looking for woman with nice looks  (a few extra pounds are fine) good personality.  I have a steady job, have had three others in unrelated field.

2010

Man, 52, speaks three languages, been around the world.  Wants woman who likes traveling.

2020

Male,  62.  Accomplished.  Proven.  Last chance, ladies —- anyone?

 

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How Did I Miss This?

I graduated high school 40 years ago this year.  Apparently, 1980 was a different time than I thought.  Thanks to Jean Hays for this neat pic!

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TO: Wm. Colby, Esq., USA

FROM: Harlington-Straker Studios

DATE:  September 13th, 1980

Esteemed Mister Colby,

It has come to our attention that our SHADO DEFENCE near the studio destroyed some 10 of your Frisbees due to a malfunction in our SID (Space Intruder Detector) up in earth’s orbit.  I, therefore, would like to invite you to dinner with myself, Col. Virginia Lake, complete with a tour our underwater facilities. There you will see our new netted uniforms for the ladies of the crew.

Warmest Regards,

Colonel Virginia Lake

PS.  Bring something to blow up.  We’re fresh out of UFO’s.

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Rip And Read

The picture reminded me of mornings when I was growing up and Dad being the first one in the kitchen with coffee and the radio turned on —- LOUD.   Glad those days are over!

Speaking of radio, there’s a term called  “rip and read.”  It is used in the American TV and radio industry for someone who has essentially no talent.

So, if you get a news copy that is written like this …

Markell, 100-yard dash – 8’ 7”  Broad Jump – 11’ 10”

Russell, Shot Put – 10’ 11”

Turner, Javelin – 5’ 42”

 … then it is not written properly.  Actual sports/news copy is always spelled out, never notated.

And the reader is out to dry —- like this guy.

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Boy, am I nervous!  Come on!  Get a grip  …

“Hello, everyone, today in sports, Melbourne High over the Ridgeway Rockets …” 

What the …?  They’re all in quote-mark symbols … who wrote this copy?  I’ll do the track scores first.

“Markell went two for two with the 100-yard dash in 8 pounds, seven ounces.  Also, the broad jump at eleven minutes, ten seconds.

Crap!  Let’s see … shot put, javelin … yeah.

“Russell —- shot!  He threw for 10 minutes, 11 seconds.  Turner, 5 pounds, 42 ounces with the javelin.”

I gotta get outta this!  “Over to you, Frank.”

“It’s Bill … you drickin’ frummy!”

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English Toffee

Thanks to Na’aman Yehuda for this nice pic (or Todah rabbah, of course).

To our cousins across the pond — if they (or YOU) can spot the references that I put in the story along with some other “goodies,”  you get extra credit.

I also dedicate this story to Dale Rogerson who asked the musical question, “Don’t you have anything else to write?”  OK, so she didn’t express it that way, but, yes, it is a NEW story.  Have at, peeps.  Love you Dale! 😉

 

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They shook hands on the bus.

“Tim.”

‘John.’

“Where you from, John?”

‘Here in London.  You?’

“Iowa.  I’m here to meet a girl.”  Tim showed Emma’s photo.  John looked it over, impressed as hell.

‘You have marvellous taste. You fancy her?’

“How did you know?”

‘The colour in your face.’

“Really? My face changed color?”

‘Oh, I realised it, all right.   Here’s some of my advice —- have her stir your tea anticlockwise. Oh, here’s my stop.’  John stepped off the bus.  

“ ‘Anticlockwise?’ “   Tim paused, shook his head, and scoffed, “Britishers!”

John adjusting his bowler, proceeded down the street, sighing,  ‘Americans!’

 

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Whose Names I Don’t Know

Thanks to Cuzzin’ Shelley for this nice pic.

Whenever I see a window, I think of someone looking out seeing whatever they want or wish they could see.  So, I thought of a guy sitting by his window looking up at the stars through a telescope and thinking of many things — mainly answers to questions.

This story was first published on May 28, 2014.  Before we begin …

EDITOR’S NOTE: One night, a HAM radio operator named Kevin, who originally hailed from Flanders, intercepted a transmission.  It was the voice of a woman who told a tale of her and her brother being marooned for centuries. The language spoken, he told me, sounded something like a sort of “High Flemish,” if there were such a thing. “I felt very sorry for the woman transmitting,” he later told me. “She sounded so sad.” He copied it down in English, went to the library, borrowed a first edition Caldecott book, took to the radio and hoped the message he was sending would be heard.

It was!

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He heard the signal from star “Ni-Etrell’s” third planet, “Gna-Jala.”

Gna-Jala —- where his lovely Koo-Brindii and her brother were lost forever, centuries ago.

The message, barely readable, sounded almost like a lower version of his own language.

“… Kevin.  Our planet … called Earth.  I intercepted her signal … seems … toward Alpha Centauri … If by … you’re reading this …  how sorry I am for … loss.  She … on Earth, immortalized in …  book.  I … read it to you … her memory.

 

‘My dear, do you know,

How a long time ago,

Two poor little children,

Whose names I don’t know,

Were stolen away … ‘ “

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The legend of The Green Children of Woolpit served as the inspiration for this story.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Green_children_of_Woolpit

Tune In Tomorrow

Another blast from the past.  Thanks, Ted, for the photo, always intriguing.

Also a shout out to a one Mike Franklin whom I knew many years ago, who is responsible for this.

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I called my brother.  He came over, popcorn at the ready.  We sat down and played it … my newly acquired DVD of the old Batman series.  I slipped the disc into the player. No Batman.  Instead, of our beloved TV series we saw a guy dressed as a doctor talking about proctology.

“A training film?  What in the good …?  I checked the disc.  It said, “Butt-man” in magic marker scrawl.  Someone pulled a prank.

“Imagine … somewhere a group of doctors is watching Batman.”

Bro shook his head.  “… while expecting Butt-man and Boy Thunder Meet the Monster From Uranus.”

 

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Boy, Did WE Get A Wrong Number

Photo by CE Ayr.  Thanks, CE.

An anecdote from days of my working in the news biz.  Originally published August 27, 2016.  Please enjoy!

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The police report came through to the news assignment desk at WMXT.

“Mike Bradley, 38, found dead in Lake Quivira due to boating accident.”

The news sent producer Amy and associate producer Angie, into a stunned silence.  Mike Bradley was their Assignment Editor!  And he had a boat at Lake Quivira!

“Angie, you don’t suppose …”

“Lemme get this. I’ll call the house. ”

Angie dialed the phone.  Mike Bradley’s voice answered.  “This is Mike.”

Angie sighed.  “Oh, Mike!  I’m SO happy to hear your voice!”

Mike chuckled, “I’m so happy that you thought of me as still being 38 years old!”

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Git ‘er DONE!

Thanks, Jan Fields, for this really intriguing pic.  A bit of a challenge, but here we go!

Americans will get it and not be amused.

Europeans will not get it and will STILL not be amused.

OK, so it’s probably a bit lame.  I’ll blame Russell for this simply because he’s here this week and because he’s here this week.

 

An unusually cool Texas night saw the lining of tents along the street corner at the State Fair.  One tent caught his eye.  He ran to The Hat Tent and plopped down the money for the perfect chapeau. He tried it on and turned to his friend.

“Well, who do I look like, Bob?”

“Larry, The Cable Guy, who else? Come on, we’re late as it is.”

They ran to the side of the outdoor platform. Bob tossed him his new hat.  “Knock ’em dead, man!”

The announcer approached the mic.  “And now, ladies and gentlemen —- Larry, the Cable Guy!”

 

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